Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Heart Strings

When it rains, it pours. It's as if things weren't bad enough for Spencer. The economy is the least of this accountant's worries. This month has been the most dynamic month in recent history. The Jazz have made the playoffs more than any other team since 1983. But not this year. Discount Tire Company has held the record for the longest continuously running commercial for 35 years. It has been replaced. New commercials are now being shown on FSN... oh wait, that's been changed to ROOT Sports. I can barely keep up.

This podcast includes detailed information from Caitlyn Ellis on why and how Spencer will never change. A man rooted in consistency faces one of the biggest changes of his life. I try my best to comfort him while addressing areas where he can improve. Will the rigid Spencer adjust to align himself with the world or will he let the world float on by?

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Link to the cat commercial... Happiness is a good feline.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Bruised and Beaten

The blogging world is full of competition. Wikipedia, a blogger's best resource, reports that currently there are over 156 million public blogs fighting in this cyber world. With so many, it is tough to know where I stand.

Thankfully, I received some help from my blogging friend (and fiercest competition), Spencer Hansen. He recently reported that his blog was ranked the 20,951,584th most popular website in the world by Alexa Internet Inc. and their results proved that Spencer was not only popular among blog readers but also among the entire internet. Twenty-one millionth most popular website in a world of 215 plus million web domains and 156 million blogs is a huge accomplishment. I commended Spencer for his great success and I have treated him as my social media leader ever since.

Today that ends. Spencer, consider yourself beat. I win, loser. recently revealed that has fallen over two million spots to an unimpressive and shameful 23,126,099 over the past three months. And to think I looked up to him...

What makes this pathetic event even better is how he fell from his lofty grandeur. He didn't do it all on his own. He was beat out by the competitors.

He was beat out by me. reports that my blog is ranked 23,121,073 in internet popularity. That's right. is 5,026 sites more popular than Spencer's gimmick. I went from unranked to locally best in a matter of weeks. Sadly, I guess preventing family shame isn't important to everyone like it is to me.

At the bottom of the see-saw - where he belongs
Now I do realize that I didn't reach this great milestone on my own. Were it not for Spencer's extreme failure, I'd probably be ranked 23,121,074. But I'm not. I'm ranked better than that. And I have his diluted and dull prose to thank for my great advancement.

A quick browsing of Spencer's domain reveals many fatal mistakes and last-ditch efforts over the past three months. Here are a few:
With these credentials, I'm surprised his website didn't fall even lower. It is disgusting and horrid to think that he has imposed these sadistic conventions on his once vast support group. I'm glad the people have spoken.

I now take the reigns of leadership. I will go forward and learn from the mistakes of those who have so foolishly fallen before me. Thank you. 

Friday, March 25, 2011

Bird of Choice

Chicken has long been acclaimed as The People's Choice for Top Dinner Bird beating out Duck, Mute Swan, Turkey, and The Pheasant year after year. Why is chicken so popular? I blame one man. The Colonel.

The average American consumes 60.4 lbs of chicken a year making chicken the choice for 80% of the poultry diets. Let's compare the seemingly boring chicken to America's Favorite Meal, Pizza. Americans plow through 100 acres of pizza a day. 93% of us will eat pizza at least once a month.  Pizza sales in 2009 reached $36.3 Billion!

And chicken is served 2.5 times more than pizza (by weight).

This realization shocked me. Pizza has been at the top of my go-to list for decades. And yet they can't keep up with a little white bird. The Colonel was a visionary man who saw beyond the toppings.

A chicken lover throughout his life, Colonel Harland Sanders began cooking chicken professionally at the age of 40 in 1930. During this time, Americans developed an increased appetite for chicken in lieu of beef which was increasing in price due to the World War. Sanders developed his secret recipe and was given the statehood honor of Kentucky Colonel. He struggled with a failing business for the next 15 years.

In his early 60s, Colonel Sanders franchised his first Kentucky Fried Chicken. Over the next decade, 600 franchises were opened in North America. And then, in 1964, The Colonel must have thought the end was near. He must have been exhausted from all that seasoning. He sold the corporation for $2 million. Still alive, seven years later, Kentucky Fried Chicken was sold again for $284 million. Inflation does not cover that gap.

From the time he was successful to the time he died in 1980, The Colonel wore his identifying white suit and shoestring tie combo. Once he realized that KFC would be a success (though grossly underestimated) he quit shaving and abandoned his former wardrobe. He was a chicken man inside and out. He gave up his appearance and his life for the Chicken Movement. Then he gave up his chicken for cash.

Dave Thomas (conveniently reprinted for your enjoyment) helped The Colonel out during Kentucky Fried's developmental days. He guided Sanders' focus to the important things (chicken) and helped simplify his menu. Why didn't Dave disuade his good friend Harland from selling out too soon? They acted as fast food friends many times before but when The Colonel needed reinforcements, Dave and all other friends left him abandoned. This move (or lack) was worse than sending your healthy grandfather to a desolate care center.

Strong as ever, it wasn't the Double Down or the loss of fortune that eventually did The Colonel in. Age took this legendary hero from us. At 90 years old, this man gave everything he had for the chicken. He sacrificed his appearance, his face, his ingenuity (first man to sell chicken by the bucket), and his original recipe all for our enjoyment. He lost his potential fortune and his friends. All that remains is his fame.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Name Game

This week's edition includes our first guests to appear on the show. Every child born deserves a good name. As does our podcast. With this decision weighing heavily on our minds we have turned to some experts for help. We're one step closer to becoming a podcast you can actually talk about...

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Devon Smith's Blog

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Cause and Effect

This second podcast is a coming of age story for me and Spencer. Listen in as we reveal secrets from our childhoods and stories of our lives.

With the Jazz season unraveling before our eyes and disappointment reaching record heights, know that you are not alone. We can get through this together.

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Here is one of my attempts at positive reenforcement:

The summary of my Jazz fanship (I think the poor resolution matches the situation):

It's kind of like Where's Waldo. Give up? Click here to reveal the answer.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Chuck Podcast

It seems things are looking up for me and my blog. I don't know if it was good looks, good writing, or a combination of the two, but I received quite the invitation last week. Spencer Hansen, distinguished poet, enthusiastic cat owner, and historic tribesman invited me to be his cohost for a weekly Podcast. How great!

This first podcast is a discussion about one of our favorite TV shows, NBC's Chuck. It won't take any secret agent work to sort through our opinions on this show. Happy listening.

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